From the standpoint of any person, today would have been considered a pretty good if not great day. It was the first day of my new contract working with the UN - I have officially been hired as an Independent Consultant and this time for all the hard work I put in I am being paid. Finally! It’s not much and the contract is only for a couple months but I am finally getting paid for the first time since finishing my Masters degree in the field of my choice and (although I don’t always moon about living here) I am working to help my fellow countrymen. I have made a good step forward in my flowering career.
Although my mind was quite muddled today (in particular) and it took longer than normal to shake off the constantly creeping cobwebs, I aided my colleagues in successfully chairing a steering group meeting and waved goodbye to those who attended with a feeling of great contentment and accomplishment. There weren’t high expectations for the meeting but to have it go off so well gave my colleagues and I a big thrill and put us in a joyous mood which we took with us back upstairs to our office. Sounds like a great day, no?
And yet through it all, in the back of my muddled mind, and the despairing reason for the ceaseless cobwebs blocking coherent thoughts, was You. Just you. In the terrifyingly simple thought of you. In the maddening and plaguing thoughts that won’t seem to let me be, I kept losing my thoughts and happiness to you.
It has been more than a month now since we last exchanged a word. The words which I know I spurned and begged you to walk away from for my own sanity and peace of mind. Yet it all seems for naught because I still think of you every second of everyday. It keeps me up at night and makes me want to crawl deeper under the covers come the morning. It makes me want to lash out in fury and huddle alone crying with pain - such deep pain. The contrast of emotions you make me feel is like the biggest and scariest rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it frightens me to think that it won’t be over just yet; not for me, not so soon.
Every day I go to sleep and I hope, I pray, that tomorrow will be the day. It will be the day I wake up and not think of you and wonder at what you’re doing. More accurately, it’ll be the day my dear old friends Pessimism and Negativity don’t plant thoughts in my head of whom you are doing things with
(and how much better is she for you compared to me? Is she prettier, funnier, smarter than me)? But the wishing on late nights have so far all been in vain. I still wake up thinking of you. I wake up from dreaming of you too, sometimes. These thoughts trail me throughout my days so that regardless of how busy or exhausted I am, the thoughts of you are still there; waiting, expecting, my mind’s return. You have seemingly seeped like a poison into my veins, to crawl into my soul and you have captured me. All of me. Whole.
Since when did I become so weak as to be unable to resist the thought(s) of you? To cry at the simple memory of what we were and what we will never be? To break so habitually at the thought of just how much I continue to miss you every god awful day?
It seems to me that it doesn’t matter how much I asked for you to let me go (from the looks of it you seem to have done a commendable job of leaving me behind - it breaks me to see it came so swiftly). No, it seems to me that while you have heeded my request to leave me, it turns out that I am the one who can’t let you go. Falling out of love shouldn’t feel like or be a race for the parties involved. So why does it feel like I have lagged so far behind the finish line and lost so completely?